


Downton Funk

by Waistcoat35



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-28
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:22:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 4,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22943995
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waistcoat35/pseuds/Waistcoat35
Summary: literally just the Downton group chat fic nobody asked for
Relationships: Thomas Barrow & Daisy Mason, Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis
Comments: 67
Kudos: 136





	1. Invite: Not Received

**Author's Note:**

> This is for @niryda on tumblr for listening to my bullshit

**daisychain:** ??? where are u 

  
**stinkybastardman:** at home??? it's our day off???

  
**daisychain:** nO ITS NOT ITS THE FUCKING EASTER PARTY U MOULDY GRAPE 

  
**stinkybastardman:** FUCK

  
**stinkybastardman:** thanks for telling me NOW

  
**daisychain:** I WOULDN'T HAVE TO IF U LOOKED AT THE GROUPCHAT FOR ONCE 

  
**stinkybastardman:** wait what 

  
**daisychain:** what??

  
**stinkybastardman:** i didnt even know about the gc??? bitch??????

  
**daisychain:** we've liTERALLY HAD IT SINCE BEFORE I STARTED WORKING HERE 

  
**stinkybastardman:** ohhhhh right that one 

  
**stinkybastardman:** right

  
**stinkybastardman:** yes

  
**daisychain:** ??????

  
**stinkybastardman:** .......i got banned from that one literal years ago pls dont yell @ me

  
**daisychain:** or what 

  
**stinkybastardman:** or ill get my boyfriend to frown at u 

  
**daisychain:** lmao WHAT boyfriend

  
**stinkybastardman:** first of all- my secret one. duh. 

  
**stinkybastardman:** second of all - ouch 

  
**daisychain:** yeah he's so secret even you don't know who he is 

  
**stinkybastardman:** hEY STOP MOCKING MY PATHETIC LOVE LIFE 

  
**daisychain:** lol ok. anyway ?? how did u even get banned from the gc 

  
**daisychain:** even o'Brien managed to stay in 

  
**stinkybastardman:** god knows. I was probably being a bitch tbh 

  
**daisychain:** you've been back in our friendship group for 3 YEARS and u never mentioned u were still blocked????

  
**stinkybastardman:** i mean u manage to put up with me at work well enough, but adding to groupchats is kind of a close friend thing not a work friend thing

 **daisychain:** T H O M A S 

  
**stinkybastardman:** .....sorry?

  
**daisychain:** DONT APOLOGISE FOR HAVING SHITTY SELF ESTEEM JFC 

  
**[** Downton Funk Groupchat **]**

_13:38_

  
**daisychain has added stinkybastardman to the chat**


	2. Cocktail Sausages Cost How Much?!

[Downton Funk Groupchat] 

**daisychains has added stinkybastardman to the chat**

**daisychains:** IM SO SORRY 

**stinkybastardman:** lol dw about it 

**daisychains:** 3 YEARS AND YOU NEVER MENTIONED IT

 **daisychains:** YOU CLOWN

 **stinkybastardman:** thanks for that

 **daisychains:** YOU'RE WELCOME >:^(

 **banannarama:** what's going on?

 **stinkybastardman:** I LIVED BITCH

 **banannarama:** oh no

 **stinkybastardman:** ASDDGJHSDJK THANKS 

**banannarama:** I enjoyed the days when this was a quiet chat. Oh well. 

**hughesassbitch:** now, now. it's nice to have you back, Thomas.

 **stinkybastardman:** see SOMEBODY loves me

 **daisychains:** unlike your secret boyfriend 

**stinkybastardman:** H E Y

 **daisychains:** #justsaying

 **andypandy:** why are you all on here in the middle of the party??

 **stinkybastardman:** OH SHIT YEAH RIGHT

 **stinkybastardman:** THANKS ANDY 

**stinkybastardman:** @daisychains that is literally why you added me ?? and you forgot abt it straight away??

 **daisychains:** don't @ me we were busy sorting out your self-esteem issues 

[ **stinkybastardman has left the chat]**

 **daisychains:** GET YOUR ARSE HERE BEFORE THE COCKTAIL SAUSAGES RUN OUT

 **daisychains:** actually wait

 **daisychains:** shit

 **daisychains:** @stinkybastardman THOMAS WE NEED MORE COCKTAIL SAUSAGES NIP INTO TESCO METRO ON YOUR WAY HERE 

[ **stinkybastardman has entered the chat** ] 

**stinkybastardman:** am i just a pawn to you daisy

 **daisychains:** p l e a s e i didn't cook enough of them and mrs p can't knowwww

 **stinkybastardman:** what's in it for me 

**daisychains:** isn't keeping me alive enough???

 **stinkybastardman:** good point

 **stinkybastardman:** hmmm.....

 **stinkybastardman:** nah

 **daisychains:** there's half a box of chocolate fingers left in the cupboard you can have some

 **stinkybastardman:** :^/

 **daisychains:** ALL OF THEM THEN FFS

 **stinkybastardman:** ok im in tesco and

 **stinkybastardman:** these things cost three quid for a carton of 40??? fuck???

 **stinkybastardman:** look daisy 

**stinkybastardman:** I'll be straight w/ you

 **daisychains:** the only straight you're being is a straight up BITCH

 **stinkybastardman:** hey hey hey you know what fuck the lot of you I'm bringing scotch eggs instead and that's IT

 **andypandy:** Daisy look what you DID

 **daisychains:** WAIT NO COME BACK

[ **stinkybastardman has left the chat** ]

 **daisychains:** NOOOOOO

 **daisychains:** THOMAS YOU FUCKER


	3. 5am Repair Shop & Chill

**daisychains:** Thomaaaaas 

**stinkybastardman:** whaaaaat 

**daisychains:** can you help uuuuuus

 **stinkybastardman:** what do you want 

**daisychains:** the kitchen clock is broken

 **stinkybastardman:** and??

 **daisychains:** we need you to fix it 

**stinkybastardman:** and???

 **daisychains:** *sigh* because you're the only one clever enough to do it for us 

**stinkybastardman:** damn right son 

**daisychains:** also you're the only one nice enough to do it for free-

 **stinkybastardman:** sTOP CALLING ME THAT 

**daisychains:** you aaaare 

**stinkybastardman:** I'm NOT 

**daisychains:** you're nice!!!

 **stinkybastardman:** you know how I feel about four letter words 

**batman:** I have a few I could use where you're concerned 

**stinkybastardman:** :/ 

**stinkybastardman:** thanks John 

**batman:** why did you call me by my first name 

**batman:** what WAS that 

**batman:** don't do that 

**stinkybastardman:** asdghfjkdld you're welcome john

 **batman:** you're weird 

**stinkybastardman:** 👉🏻👉🏻 

**daisychains:** Thomas pleeeease 

**stinkybastardman:** can't, don't want to, watching repair shop 

**daisychains:** so you're refusing to fix the clock because you're scrolling BBC iplayer watching a show about some guy fixing a clock 

**stinkybastardman:** yup 

**daisychains:** at 5am 

**stinkybastardman:** yup

 **daisychains:** .....with your secret boyfriend who is also awake and at your house at 5am 

**stinkybastardman:** yyyyyyuppp

 **daisychains:** 🤦🏻♀️

 **stinkybastardman:** look I can't just ditch him because you lot aren't allowed your phones in the kitchen while you're working in there

 **daisychains:** I genuinely can't tell if you mean Joe from repair shop or your secret boyfriend 

**daisychains:** and you KNOW what happened to Mrs P's Nokia after it fell in that bolognese especially since it was 88% your fault 

**stinkybastardman:** that is the first and only time I've seen someone cry over a Nokia brick 

**daisychains:** ikr

 **daisychains:** STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT I'M BUSY BEING ANNOYED AT YOU 


	4. In Which Thomas' Love Life Is Resurrected

**stinkybastardman** has added **royalblue** to the chat

 **daisychains:** hewwo?? Mistew Ellis??

 **stinkybastardman:** jesus CHRIST

**royalblue: 👋👋👋**

**stinkybastardman:** welp now that you've both thoroughly embarrassed me

 **stinkybastardman:** ladies and gents, I would like to introduce you to my secret boyfriend, upon whom Daisy has just inflicted the 'hewwo Mistew Obama' meme

 **andypandy:** mr barrow pls don't say meme it feels wrong

 **stinkybastardman:** I'll yeet words around as I damn well please now stfu 

**daisychains:** ANDY YOU'RE MISSING A VERY IMPORTANT POINT HERE

 **daisychains:** MR ELLIS ARE YOU SAYING YOU'RE THOMAS' ACTUAL LITERAL BOYFRIEND

 **royalblue:** yep! <3

 **stinkybastardman:** yes he is 

**royalblue:** love u!! 

**stinkybastardman:** gay 

**royalblue:** don't you forget it 

**daisychains:** zach that's gay 

**andypandy:** zach that's gay 

**princealbert:** zach that's gay 

**moleman:** why is everybody calling him Zach? 

**stinkybastardman:** assfghhkll

 **royalblue:** jared, we've been dating-

 **daisychains:** OHHHHHHHHHHH

 **stinkybastardman:** ffs 

**princealbert:** Mr Barrow your boyfriend is a certified bona fide ledge 

**andypandy:** THE LEGEND JUMPED OUT 

**daisychains:** MR ELLIS CAN YOU SPILL SOME TEA FOR US PLS

 **stinkybastardman:** what the actual literal fuck is wrong with you all 

**royalblue:** yeah sure 

**stinkybastardman:** what 

**stinkybastardman:** nO

 **stinkybastardman:** DON'T TELL THEM SHIT 

**daisychains:** tell us stuff about Thomas so we can annoy him 

**royalblue:** sometimes when he falls asleep he makes cute snuffling noises 

**stinkybastardman:** S T O P 

**daisychains:** aww

 **royalblue:** yesterday I got a text from him saying "if you eat the last tunnock's teacake while I'm out I'll make you eat your hands"

 **daisychains:**.....awww

 **stinkybastardman:** I'M FOOD-MOTIVATED DON'T @ ME 

**saintphylomena** : hello Mr Ellis! 

**royalblue: 👋👋👋😊**

**princealbert:** how are u a literal ray of sunshine 

**saintphylomena:** what brings you to the chat?

 **daisychains:** he's one of the gang now, since he helped us with that fake phone call he's an honourary Downton member 

**daisychains:** also him and Thomas are snogging so 

**saintphylomena:** well it's lovely to have you back!

 **andypandy:** asdghjk the complete lack of reaction 

**daisychains:** Thomas tells her everything anyway so like she probably been knew for months 

**daisychains:** @stinkybastardman WAIT WHEN YOU JOKED ABOUT YOUR SECRET BOYFRIEND YOU WERE SERIOUS????

 **stinkybastardman:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **daisychains:** T H O M A S 

**royalblue:** we got together right after the visit!

 **daisychains:** holy shit

 **daisychains:** so were you actually at his house at 5am watching Repair Shop 

**royalblue:** yep!

 **daisychains:** why were you awake at 5am??

 **stinkybastardman:** uhhh

 **royalblue:** we didn't go to sleep so 

**daisychains: 👀**

**stinkybastardman:** no 

**daisychains: 👀👀👀**

**stinkybastardman: N O**

**princealbert:** Guess we can get rid of the 'get Thomas laid' chat 

**stinkybastardman:** THE W H A T 

**stinkybastardman:** I LITERALLY HAVE INSOMNIA WHICH YOU ARE ALL AWARE OF THAT'S WHY WE DIDN'T SLEEP PISS OFF 

**daisychains:** hmmm

 **daisychains:** Why was HE awake then 

**royalblue:** I woke up when he went to get a glass of water and said I'd stay up with him

 **daisychains:** I can't believe it took until the year of our lord 2020 but thank GOD you finally have a decent love life jfc


	5. In Which Thomas, Andy and Albert get Thanos-Snapped

**andypandy:** im finally asking it 

**andypandy:** the question nobody's asked yet

 **stinkybastardman:** THE FUCKING DOG ESCAPED BY ITSELF OK

 **andypandy:** what

 **stinkybastardman:** what

 **andypandy:** what are you on about

 **stinkybastardman:**......

 **stinkybastardman:** nvm

 **royalblue** : 😂

 ** stinkybastardman: ** richard 

** royalblue: ** you haven't told them???

 ** stinkybastardman: ** rICHARD

 ** royalblue: ** you said this was what?? 9 years ago???

 ** stinkybastardman: ** RICHARD DON'T YOU FUCKING D A R E

 ** royalblue:  ** hey, hey!! u told me that in confidence, I'm not just going to _tell_ them 

** stinkybastardman: ** oh

 ** stinkybastardman: ** right

 ** stinkybastardman: ** ....sorry

 ** royalblue: ** don't be, I can see how it sounded like I was going to 

** royalblue: ** I'll shut up about it now dw

 ** stinkybastardman: ** thank u

 ** royalblue: ** <3

 ** daisychains: ** aww

 ** daisychains: ** I mean I don't know what the FRICK is going on but aww

 ** daisychains: ** #relationshipgoals

 ** andypandy: ** hey!! what does that mean??

 ** daisychains: ** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 ** andypandy: ** WHAT is that supposed to mean 

** daisychains: ** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 ** andypandy: ** ):^(

 **daisychains** : =3

 **stinkybastardman:** pffft

 **daisychains:** what's so funny??

 **stinkybastardman:** shhh nobody tell her

 **daisychains:** WHAT IS IT

 **princealbert:** I'm gonna tell her

 **stinkybastardman:** don't u dare

 **daisychains:** THOMAS!!!!

 **princealbert:** c=3

 **daisychains:** why are its eyebrows the wrong way???

 **andypandy:** c==3

 **daisychains:** why does it have two pairs of eyes

 **stinkybastardman:** c===3

 **daisychains:** that's tOO MANY EYES

 **stinkybastardman:**....eyes....

 **daisychains:** WHAT'S GOING ON

 **stinkybastardman:** @royalblue Richie

 **stinkybastardman:** darling

 **stinkybastardman:** love of my life

 **stinkybastardman:** my main man

 **stinkybastardman:** my fly guy

 **stinkybastardman:** the pineapple to my pizza 

**andypandy:** you're a lunatic 

**stinkybastardman:** stfu thats homophobic

 **stinkybastardman:** @royalblue will u do me the honour of completing the joke daisy doesn't understand

**royalblue: ......**

**royalblue: .........**

**andypandy:**??

 **stinkybastardman:** wait for it

 **stinkybastardman:** he's smirking at his phone he's gonna do something

 **royalblue:** c==============3

[ **royalblue has gone offline** ]

 **princealbert:** hEY 

**andypandy:** that is RUDE sir!!

 **stinkybastardman:** ASDFGHJKL

 **stinkybastardman:** HE CAME IN

 **stinkybastardman:** HE SLAYED

 **stinkybastardman:** AND HE L E F T

 **princealbert:** mr ellis that was neither cool nor fresh

 **stinkybastardman:** albert i swear to GOD i will fucking fire you

 **stinkybastardman:** @royalblue THANK U LOVE YOUUU

 **daisychains:** I asked my tumblr chat what it meant 

**stinkybastardman:** which one please tell me it was an embarrassing one

 **daisychains:** no the one where I complain about your bullshit

 **stinkybastardman:** oh no

 **daisychains:** yep

 **royalblue:** wait u have a tumblr chat just about thomas

 **daisychains:** yeah i made it years ago to complain about him in all his chaotic glory 

**stinkybastardman:** to be fair I am quality content 

**daisychains:** it got weirdly popular and now i use it to tell everyone when he does something iconic 

**stinkybastardman:** which is ALWAYS 

**princealbert:** its funny bc u dont actually have self esteem

 **stinkybastardman:** why would u do this to me

 **princealbert:** im peer pressuring you into self help

 **stinkybastardman:** ffs

 **royalblue:** so even tumblr is after thomas

 **royalblue:** that's brilliant 

**daisychains:** I'll send u an invite

 **daisychains:** it's called the thomas barrow defence squad

 **daisychains:** aNYWAYS

 **daisychains:** I asked them 

**daisychains:** and they told me what that emoji is

 **stinkybastardman:** and

 **daisychains:** THOMAS

 **stinkybastardman:** yes

 **daisychains:** you little DICKHEAD

 **stinkybastardman:** actually my emoji had more 'eyes' than the first two I think you'll find

 **daisychains:** YOU'RE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE

 **daisychains:** pls dont think i mean that ur great and im glad ur here but I WILL FIGHT YOU I SWEAR TO GOD DO N O T 

**stinkybastardman:** (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

 **daisychains:** never speak to me again

 **daisychains:** @royalblue TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND TO SORT HIS SHIT OUT

 **daisychains:** hello??

 **stinkybastardman:** he wont answer you hes rofl 

**daisychains:** he's what

 **stinkybastardman:** rofl

 **daisychains:** is your autocorrect playing up 

**stinkybastardman:** no he actually is rofl

 **daisychains:**???

 **daisychains:** @carface what does that mean

 **stinkybastardman:** wHY WOULD YOU SUMMON HIM OH MY GOD

 **carface:** Dear Ms Mason, I have been informed by Elsie that it means 'Rolling On The Floor, Laughing'. - Mr Charles Carson

 **carface:** P.S - Why do you ask?

 **daisychains:**....no reason tHANK YOU- 

**daisychains:** oh no

 **stinkybastardman:** what

 **daisychains:** he's still online

 **stinkybastardman:** shit

 **daisychains:** hES READING BACK

 **daisychains:** HE NEVER READS BACK 

**stinkybastardman:** ffs

 **stinkybastardman:** it's been great joining the rodeo with y'all, peace out

 **andypandy:** mr barrow 

**stinkybastardman:** WHAT

 **andypandy:** i dont feel so good

 **stinkybastardman:** HOW DARE Y

 **daisychains:** then perish

[ **carface** has removed **stinkybastardman** , **andypandy** and **princealbert** from the chat]

 **daisychains:** F

 **daisychains:** wonder what Andy was gonna ask


	6. The Party

**daisychains: @carface** mr carson please can you add Andy back? It's been 5 hours he's probably learned his lesson

 **carface:** Dear Daisy, he'll be allowed back tomorrow. Best wishes, Mr Carson.

 **daisychains:** but we were about to talk about engagement things on the chat :(

 **carface:** Dear Daisy, my decision is final. Best wishes, Mr Carson.

 **daisychains:** :(((((

**daisychains: 🥺**

**hughesassbitch:** for God's sake, Charlie, just let the boys back on 

**carface:** Hmm.

 **hughesassbitch:** Charles. 

**daisychains:** oooo

[ **carface** has added **andypandy** to the chat]

 **daisychains:** thank youuuuu

[ **carface** is now offline]

 **andypandy:** I LIIIIIVE

 **daisychains:** the bitch is back 

**andypandy:** did you just quote Casper at me

 **andypandy:** iN 2020

 **daisychains:** stfu that was literally a recent release when we were kids

 **andypandy:** wait really

 **daisychains:** says the one whose username is based on a character from 1950

 **andypandy:** THEY MADE A REVIVAL OF IT DON'T @ ME

 **daisychains:** the revival was 18 YEARS ago you clown

 **daisychains:** which is only 7 years after Casper so THERE

 **daisychains:** anyways

 **daisychains:** what were you gonna ask??

 **andypandy:** OH YEAH

 **andypandy:** I was gonna ask what the hell happened at the easter party??

 **andypandy:** I...genuinely have less memory of it than I'd like to admit

 **daisychains:** honestly idk it was weird

 **daisychains:** I feel like albert had vids??

 **daisychains:** gimme a sec

 **daisychains: @hughesassbitch** sorry to bother u but can you pretty please add albert back in??

 **hughesassbitch:** oh, go on then

[ **hughesassbitch** has added **princealbert** to the chat]

 **princealbert:** oh thanks

 **daisychains:** THAT was your return declaration

 **princealbert:** shh wait

 **hughesassbitch:** I'm not going to ask and I don't want to know

[ **hughesassbitch** is now offline]

 **princealbert:** RISE AND GRIND MY PALS THE PRINCE IS BACK

 **daisychains:** jesus christ

 **princealbert:** i was gone not 5 hours 3 days but thanks anyway

 **daisychains:** ffs

 **daisychains:** anyway do you remember what happened at the party

 **princealbert:** unfortunately 

**princealbert:** carson forgets that I'm not a 17 year old on apprenticeship anymore so he wouldnt let me near the booze :/

 **daisychains:** vids?? please??

 **princealbert:** your wish is my command

 **princealbert:** i mean unless i can't really be arsed but in this case ok

 **princealbert:** let's move chats maybe?? 

**daisychains:** actually yeah maybe don't share vids of everyone getting plastered here asdfghjk

* * *

**Groupchat: The Kids Aren't Just Alright, They're Pretty Damn Cool**

**princealbert: video_file_rock_the_boat**

**daisychains:** WAIT YEAH OH MY GOD

 **daisychains:** actually why did everyone go so crazy about that

 **andypandy:** I think everyone's just seen Derry Girls too many times so they decided to imitate it

 **andypandy:** I literally can't think of another reason so many people would've cared about it

 **daisychains:** fair enough

 **princealbert:** also mr brightside played and everyone went apeshit

 **daisychains:** didnt that happen at like every school prom ever

 **princealbert:** every prom since after the song came out

 **andypandy:** yeah

 **andypandy:** our headteacher got crowdlifted it was pretty traumatic

 **andypandy:** also I can vaguely remember mr barrow slumped in a plastic garden chair drunk crying when it came on??

 **daisychains:** yeah

 **princealbert:** yeah he did

 **princealbert:** i did ask him about it at the time 

**princealbert:** the answer was incoherent but i think it reminded him of his ex or something 

**andypandy:**?? the one who cheated??

 **daisychains:** ONE?? you're new here aren't you

 **andypandy:** bloody hell

 **daisychains:** yep

 **princealbert:** I think he mentioned a philip??

 **daisychains:** oh yeah that asshole

 **daisychains:** if i ever see him again im attacking him with a broom 

**princealbert:** nice

 **princealbert:** however then he stopped crying and started smiling at his phone a bit like a maniac

 **princealbert:** so i guess he was gucci

 **daisychains:** NEVER say that word again you freak of nature 

**princealbert** : OOF damn bro u got the whole squad laughing

 **andypandy:** wait do u think he was drunk texting mr ellis

 **daisychains:** I BET HE WAS OH MY GOD

 **princealbert:** ASDFGHJKL;

[ **princealbert** added **royalblue** ]

 **royalblue:** oh, hello!!

 **daisychains:** omg stop being so adorable

 **royalblue:**....thank you?

 **princealbert:** you're welcome now we have a question

 **royalblue:** I don't even know what happened to the dog that night thomas hasn't told me anything

 **andypandy:** what

 **daisychains:** what

 **princealbert:** what

 **royalblue:** fuck

 **royalblue:** I mean 

**royalblue:** what

 **daisychains:** MR ELLIS NO YOU CAN'T SAY GROWNUP FUCK WORDS IN THIS CHAT

 **andypandy:** daisy

 **andypandy:** you're 26

 **daisychains:** fuck off andy

 **andypandy:** *surprised pikachu face*

 **daisychains:** I said HE couldn't say it I can do what I want

 **princealbert:** ok ok shut up

 **princealbert:** mr ellis

 **princealbert:** did mr barrow drunk text you the night of the easter party

 **royalblue:** so THAT'S why he was plastered

 **daisychains:** ASDFGHJKLOIUYTCVBN

 **daisychains:** he just kept grinning at his phone the whole time 

**princealbert:** it was disgustingly cute

 **royalblue:** yeah I'm the one who came and picked him up at the end

 **daisychains:** ohhhh

 **daisychains:** we wondered where he'd gone ngl

 **daisychains:** but we were like it's fine shit happens

 **royalblue:** that seems...like a VERY relaxed take to him disappearing from the party

 **princealbert:** he literally lives to spite God mr ellis

 **princealbert:** nothing's gonna happen to him he just refuses to die

 **royalblue:**.....okay

 **daisychains:** he was pretty plastered but like.....HOW plastered

 **royalblue:** Very, very very.

 **daisychains:** pffff

 **royalblue:** when I tried to put his pyjamas on he said 'I'm sure you're very nice but I have a boyfriend' and said he'd sleep on the floor

 **daisychains:** MR BARROW

 **daisychains:** iM CRYINF 

**daisychains:** I FRUCKING LOVE HIM

 **princealbert:** frucking

 **andypandy:** frucking 

**royalblue:** frucking

 **daisychains:** stfu you shits

 **daisychains:** not u mr ellis you're an angel and were glad you're here

 **royalblue:** *we're 

**daisychains:**.......

 **daisychains:** oKAY SO THAT'S HOW IT IS

[ **daisychains** has removed **royaldresser** from the chat] 

**princealbert:** f

 **andypandy:** f

 **andypandy:** to be fair the drunk thing lines up 

**andypandy:** the next day mr barrow was so tired that when he had breakfast in the canteen he put coffee in his cereal bowl instead of milk

 **andypandy:** i said that if he was THAT tired he shouldve put red bull in it and he just

 **andypandy:** looked at me

 **andypandy:** a liiiiittle bit cross-eyed

 **andypandy:** and went "i have ANXIETY andrew"

 **daisychains:** ASDFGHJKL;'

 **princealbert:** the new version of 'they're lesbians harold'

 **princealbert:** 'they have anxiety andrew'

 **daisychains:** ok mr ellis needs to read this im bringing him back

 **princealbert:** mistress is.....merciful??

 **andypandy:** daisy has given mr ellis a SOCK

 **daisychains:** my seething hatred for all of you is literally immeasurable

[ **daisychains** has added **royalblue** to the chat]

 **royalblue:** oh my god he did WHAT

 **royalblue:** that.....explains a lot actually

 **princealbert:** such as

 **royalblue:** when he came home he was like 'that orange is too brightly coloured the vibrations are making my teeth ache'

 **princealbert:** note to self - never let thomas overdose on caffeine

 **daisychains:** wait u guys live together

 **royalblue:**....no comment

 **daisychains:** AWWWWW

 **princealbert:** found another video 

**princealbert: video_file_mr_barrow_cha_cha_slide**

**royalblue:** I'M CRYING

 **royalblue:** I CANT STOP LAUHGINGIFGRDOILP

 **daisychains:** *can't

 **daisychains:** *laughing

 **royalblue:** FAIR

 **royalblue:** oh shit

 **royalblue:** Thomas is asking what I'm laughing at what do I say 

**royalblue:** I think he's going to takesdfgthyujikolp;okiuhyg bkigtfeuhkjlw;ka

 **daisychains:** oof

 **princealbert:** miss keisha?? oh my fuckin god he fuckin dead

[ **royalblue** has added **stinkybastardman** ]

 **stinkybastardman:** well well well, what have we here? 

**princealbert:** fUC-


	7. thomas and richard get married challenge

**Groupchat: The Kids Aren't Just Alright, They're Pretty Damn Cool**

**royalblue:** hey guys 

**royalblue:** do you know if thomas is ok??

 **daisychains:** as far as I know, why??

 **royalblue:** we were messaging at 4am while I'm away for this work thing and I asked what he was doing and he said, to quote, 'making chocolate pudding because I've lost control of my life'

 **royalblue:** is he doing badly w/ the insomnia while I'm away do you think??

 **daisychains:** AJSJJDJDKDKLDLSL

 **daisychains:** MR ELLIS YOU SWEET SUMMER CHILD 

**royalblue:** ??? :(

 **daisychains:** ok ok sorry 

**daisychains:** it's a meme reference 

**daisychains:** I doubt that he was being serious 

**royalblue:** oh good 

**royalblue:** tbh I was wondering if I should find an excuse to get back early if he wasn't doing well

 **royalblue:** he's been stressed lately and it's the first time we've been apart since moving in together 

**daisychains:** 🥺🥺🥺

 **daisychains:** YOURE LITERALLY SUCH A SWEET BF WHAT THE FUCK 

**daisychains:** @andypandy @princealbert GUYS COME AND LOOK AT THIS THEY'RE BEING CUTE AGAIN 

**princealbert:** Mr Barrow finally has the perfect man God bless

 **andypandy:** aww 

**princealbert changed the group name to barellis shipping club**

**royalblue:** ba-what 

**princealbert:** it's your ship name 

**royalblue:** ??

 **daisychains:** it's a fandom thing 

**royalblue:** ohhh 

**royalblue:** that's fair 

**royalblue:** thomas mentioned it once

 **daisychains:** I'm assuming he was talking about his sherlock holmes fic phase 

**royalblue:** wait his WHAT 

**daisychains:** welp that's a fun question you can ask when you get back I guess 

**daisychains:** but yeah barrow+ellis = barellis 

**andypandy:** that's cute ngl 

**andypandy:** but what about barris it's shorter 

**daisychains:** don't fucking talk to me about the name barris 

**andypandy:** why not

 **daisychains:** it sounds like boris 

**daisychains:** do you really want to think about the name b*ris at a time like this 

**andypandy:** .......fAIR

 **andypandy:** barellis it is then 

**daisychains:** @royalblue so like when are y'all getting married 

**royalblue:** AJDJDJJDJSKSKWKWKW

 **daisychains:** go on

 **royalblue:** DAISY

 **daisychains:** if you were thinking of telling me you haven't thought about it then consider - never lie to my face again 

**royalblue:** ...ok ok yeah I have thought about it 

**royalblue:** idk when yet 

**royalblue:** but yes I really do think I'd like to 

**daisychains changed the group name to thomas & richard get married challenge **

**royalblue:** if he sees this by accident when I'm showing him something on my phone the jig is up 

**daisychains:** fineeee 

**daisychains:** any bright ideas for a name 

**princealbert:** say no more 

**princealbert changed the group name to h0t.bab3s.1n.y0rksh1re**

**royalblue:** ?!?@?@?@

 **princealbert:** abdhdhjsjs the gay panic is real 

**royalblue:** will that not look incredibly bad????

 **princealbert:** no 

**princealbert:** 1\. He trusts you too much to have an affair and 2. you are literally gay 

**princealbert:** this just means he won't look at the chat 

**princealbert:** he'll assume it's bots 

**royalblue:** ....bots?? 

**andypandy:** oh thank god you don't know what that means 

**daisychains:** he'll think it's just spam basically

 **royalblue:** ohh ok 

**royalblue:** I guess that'll work then 

**daisychains:** okay time to bug you about your potential wedding on here forever 

**daisychains:** and I'll text your bf later to make sure he isn't just sitting on his kitchen floor eating cheesy pasta or something 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is dedicated to niryda for her hatred of the ship name barris due to it's unfortunate similarities to a certain name we will not mention again 
> 
> it's also dedicated to march on Twitter bc he had a hand in the eating cheesy pasta on the floor discussion


	8. The Rise Of The Wentelteefjes

**Groupchat: h0t.bab3s.1n.y0rksh1re**

**princealbert:** fuck duolingo me & my homies hate duolingo 

**andypandy:** did the owl threaten to beat the shit out of you again 

**princealbert:** yeah 

**princealbert:** I broke my streak so I had to restart 

**princealbert:** and the first sentence I got translated to 'there is a stranger at the door'

 **princealbert:** and the second one translated to 'I heard a noise downstairs'

 **princealbert:** and the third one translated to 'tell your family you love them'

 **princealbert:** and the fourth one translated to 'it is too late to leave' 

**princealbert:** in other words, 'Er staat een vreemde voor de deur. Ik hoorde beneden een geluid. Vertel je familie dat je van ze houdt. Het is te laat om te vertrekken'. 

**princealbert:** :D

 **andypandy:** what the fuck 

**princealbert:** yeah 

**andypandy:** what language is that anyway 

**princealbert:** dutch or eldritch abomination I'm not actually sure 

**princealbert:** oh yeah I learned the word for french toast 

**princealbert:** it's wentelteefjes

 **andypandy:** nice that sounds horrific 

**princealbert:** ikr we love to see it 

**andypandy:** I've never been scared of a word before but wow 

**andypandy:** what IS that 

**princealbert:** w e n t e l t e e f j e s

 **andypandy:** S T O P 

**daisychains:** isn't that the name of a kind of cheese 

**andypandy:** not even CLOSE Daisy

 **royalblue:** it sounds like something from IKEA 

**princealbert:** god I love ikea 

**royalblue:** I'm going on Saturday 😌

 **princealbert:** FUCK OFF I WANNA GO

 **royalblue:** we're going to look at the plants!!

 **royalblue:** and thomas insists he doesn't care about ikea sharks but he definitely wants one 

**royalblue:** I'll have to sneakily buy one 

**daisychains:** a LEGEND 

**princealbert:** I wanna go to IKEA 😫

 **princealbert:** whatever piss off and recreate the lady and the tramp scene with your fancy ikea meatballs ig

 **royalblue:** aww thanks for the ideas on how to make our trip even better albert <3

 **princealbert:** >:^(

 **daisychains:** you should get Thomas a djungelskog 

**daisychains:** I don't want a man I just want a djungelskog 

**andypandy:** thanks daisy 

**daisychains:** yw 


	9. Richard Just Cries A Lot Basically

**royalblue:** ANSBSBSBBDBDNDJDJD

 **royalblue:** JLGKDKDNJDJEURURBSSNNDBDBDBDNSNS

 **daisychains** **:** its ok mr ellis take your time 

**royalblue:** THOMAS

 **royablue:** HE

 **royalblue:** HE

 **daisychains:**??? Oh god is he okay ??

 **royalblue:** HE FELL ASLEEP IN MY LAP WHILE WE WERE WATCHING TV IM CRYINGGG

**daisychains: ....**

**daisychains:** yOU FUCKING ASSHOLE

 **daisychains:** I THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS WRONG 

**royalblue:** sorry daisy

 **daisychains:** YOU WILL BE

 **princealbert:** isn't it 'you should be'

 **daisychains:** no

 **princealbert:** ok

 **royalblue:** ITS SO CUTE HES DOING THOSE SNUFFLING NOISES IM 

**daisychains:** we need to see that omg 

**daisychains:** please 🥺

 **royalblue:** if he gives me permission ill take a pic next time 

**daisychains: 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻** good bf award number 60

 **royalblue:** HES CURLED UP AND LETTING ME PET HIS HAIR AJSJDJJDBDJJDJDJDJDJDJEKEK

 **princealbert:** you're whipped for this man arent u

 **daisychains:** albert u fucking dingus how did it take you that long to realise that 

**princealbert:** dont call me a dingus, you mingus 

**daisychains: .....**

**daisychains:** **@andypandy**

 **andypandy:** What the fuck did you just fucking say about her, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in secret raids on Al-Quaeda and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my words. You think you can get away with saying shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your tongue. You didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

 **daisychains:** <3

 **andypandy:** <3

 **princealbert:** ffs 

**princealbert:** now you're BOTH being minguses 

**princealbert:** and what exactly is gorilla warfare 

**andypandy:** I'm going to give harambe ammo

 **andypandy:** and send him to your house 

**princealbert:** even a dingus like me can recognise the irony of weaponising harambe andy 

**andypandy:** he wants revenge and ur first 

**princealbert:** please 

**princealbert:** i am just a little creature 

**princealbert:** that's it 

**princealbert:** i cannot change this 

**daisychains:** then perish 

**princealbert:** ok

 **princealbert: @royalblue** how's that proposal coming along buddy 

**royalblue:** it's.....coming....ish 

**princealbert:** you cant decide when and where to do it can you 

**royalblue:** no :((( 

**princealbert:** for the love of god just DO it 

**royalblue:** but he deserves the BEST 

**princealbert:** you're asking him to MARRY you. YOU. Are asking THOMAS BARROW. To MARRY you. He'll be happy just to be asked 

**royalblue:** but h3 desbefves tehen best 

**daisychains:** you're misspelling because you can't see bc you're getting teary eyed about how much you love him arent you

 **royalblue:** :( mhmm

 **princealbert:** simp 

**daisychains** has muted **princealbert** for **20 minutes**

 **andypandy:** ngl he'll probably cry so private might be best because he hates crying in public 

**daisychains:** don't we know it 

**daisychains:** he got so embarrassed when we went to see how to train your dragon 3 bc he sobbed for the last 20 minutes and wouldn't leave until after everyone else so that nobody would see the tears 

**royalblue:** AWWWWWWW

 **daisychains:** ikr he's a bean

 **andypandy:** no literally he has the emotional constitution of a beanie baby 

**royalblue:** that sounds right 

**royalblue:** crap he might be waking up 

**royalblue:** I'm glad he actually slept for once though 

**royalblue:** ttyl when we're done snuggling 


End file.
